Gaming Guardians
Lonely Jauntspace (Lonely Planet Ripoff)
These are scripts for a Gaming Guardians diceclub strip I had an idea of years ago, with Relapse presenting the world of the GG Jauntspace in a comedic manner. Because I like comedy, and I like Relapse, and I like the GG. Combining loves! Unfortunately these things require artists. Slight oversight on my part. I'm trying to update these (2006.9) to give it another shot. As part of this, I'm de-egoing and using Rodney Greenshirt rather than Relapse as the star. Dangit.
Each episode is written as a 3x3 grid of comic panels, except where specified.
- Title
- Intro
- MWWG
- D&D 1
- D&D 2
- D&D 3
- WoD 1
- Vampire
- Werewolf
- Mage
- Wraith
- Changeling
- In Nomina
- Paranoia
- Zombie Survival Horror
Scripts
Title
[static, panel gutter]
"....on"
[Rodney in the Lounge, looking at the viewer. Has a remote control in his hand, 2/3 a panel]
R: "camera goes o-"
[static, panel gutter]
".... on"
[Rodney in the Lounge]
R: "camera goes o-"
[static]
".... on"
[Rodney in Lounge, Denzine sticking head in shot]
R: "camera goes "
D: "if you keep playing with it, it'll fall
[static]
R: "OFF!"
Title: ADMIN PRESENTS
[Meeting room. Rodney + Lana, Lana in her top brass outfit]
R: "So. I go to systems..."
L: "And report on how to survive, tips etc."
[""]
R: "If I don't survive?"
L: "Then we won't lose anyone else."
[""]
R: "...don't overwhelm me with confidence here."
L: "Oh sorry. Here, fill out this will."
Title: A SYSTEMS SURVIVAL GUIDE
[Lounge. Denzine, Tellana, Rodney. Rodney packs Cupboard]
R: "So, that's where I'm going."
T: "Can I have your RPG collection?"
D: "Can I have your everything else?"
[""]
R: "Gee thanks."
D: "Happy to. So what's the title."
T: "Something catchy?"
["". Rodney strikes a proclaiming pose]
R: "Yup it's!"
TITLE: "LONELY SYSTEMS: A JAUNTSPACER'S SURVIVAL GUIDE". T and R's heads appear over the bottom of it
T: "That's it?"
R: "Oh shut up."
Intro
[Rodney looking at the viewer. The background is the Outpost]
R: "Hi! Welcome to our Lonely Systems guide to Jauntspace. I'm Rodney."
[Rodney waves, lamely. Behind him, Tarlin and Tiger (dragons) fly into shot over the outpost]
[Rodney walking, panning shot. Tarlin and Tiger are playing linked dragon-sized gameboys, one of them is winning]
R: "This is an introductory video to the various RPGs or 'Systems' that we travel to."
["". Behind him, Wargolem is teaching Re how to throw plasma, away from the dragons]
R: "The aim of these shows is to give tips on how to function in bizarre places."
["". Behind him, Wargolem and Re look sheepish, blazing fire comes from the dragons' directions]
R: "Systems can be strange. Bizarre. Odd."
[Rodney looks behind him. Various people have turned out and are fighting/ helping as appropriate.]
[Rodney looks back at camera. From Rodney's blind-side, Tarron and othe rkid Guardians are sneaking up on him]
R: "..Much like the Outpost really."
[Rodney goes down under a pile of kids. Random nonsense happens.]
R: "Oooof! Damnit, forget the intro. Get me out of here!"
Macho Women with Guns
[Vast post-apocalyptic wasteland]
R: "Hi. You may notice I'm speaking higher today, and behind the camera. That's because we're in MWWG."
[In the distance, Women ride motorcycles across wasteland. Firing at something offscreen]
R: "That's Macho Women with Guns! A system where women are women, and men are targets."
[Camera pans to follow women. Pain star comes from the bottom of the screen.]
R: "Also where high heeled shoes do amazing damage. Ow..."
[Camera continues to pan. Shows destroyed skyscrapers. Whatever the women are firing at is off shot.]
R: "In this system, both versions of it, men's arrogance led to the destruction of civilization."
[""]
R: "Gates of hell opened and lawyers walked the earth. A lot like modern America, only less Starbucks."
[""]
R: "So, women to the rescue. Cleaning up men's mess by, well, wiping out men while wearing very little."
["" Skyscraper gone, bigger weapons used. Cloud of dust of whatever they're chasing is seen]
R: "This game comprises mainly of big guns and fan service. So no feminist guardians should dream of coming here."
[""]
R: "Clever guardians use this to their advantage.
["" Arrow points out who the MWWG are chasing. 'Gumba, w' bag of undergarments']
R: "Bring a distraction.
D&D
[Rodney, zooming through jauntspace.]
R: "Hi! We're just moments away from entering the great grand-daddy of us all. Who aren't primarians anyway."
[Background: jauntspace overlaid with Dungeons and Dragons logo.]
R: "Dungeons and Dragons. Never say d two zero. Don't want to risk summoning anything."
[Zoom!]
R: "For those of you that are coming here, there's one important thing to remember before you arrive."
[small panel inside large 'rest-of-the-pager']
R: *get's head-smacked by something*
[Large road sign filled with "You are now entering a Wizards of the Coast owned System! *legalese*". Rodney underneath it with stars around head.]
R: "Duck. Ow. Cleric!"
D&D (redux)
[Rodney, medieval tavern. Brew in hand, bandage on his head. "+1" painted on it, badly.]
R: "Lousy cheapskate admin. Let's try this again"
[Rodney throws his arms out wide, throwing away his mug which shatters offscreen.]
R: "Dungeons and Dragons! Wizards, warriors and whatnot, where 1 HP means you're still giving your all."
[A man has fallen down on Rodney's table, broken mug on his head.]
R: "Or that you're an NPC in a munchkin game. Err, sorry 'bout that."
[page-wide panel starting with standard character classes... creeping ever further into real weirdies... and finally a money golem wearing a WotC belt buckle]
R: "Having kept 'classes' since its wargaming days, the original 6 remain..."
R: "But are being joined by more and more every supplement..."
R: "Get a GM credit check. The more dough, the weirder the supplements available."
[Flash and lights behind the 3.5 book covers]
R: "3.5 came out last year, moving the RPG into a brave new era"
[Rod opening the book of wonder]
R: "Let's see the Master's next step away from wargames and into fantasy!"
[Rod holding up a gaming grid]
R: "Enhanced miniature rules. Yay progress."
D&D (It's Dynamite)
[Rodney dressed in Safari gear, in the wilds]
R: "We're hunting today, for a Jauntspace wide phenomena."
[Jungle, a bit of movement]
R: "But D&D seems to have it mo- HA!"
[Rodney having lept into the jungle]
R: "Get back hear ya wee beastie"
[Held in a fire-fly bottle, is a house from Monopoly with fairy wings, floating about]
R: "It's a houserule! Good specimen too."
[Two panel shot, lots of different coloured/ winged Monopoly houses, looking kinda like things Rod's talking about. Better Homes and Houserules book in the background]
R: "You've got ignoring strict encumberance penalties... 10' poles not getting in the way... no food for mounts..."
R: "All the way up to 'being the GM's girlfriend immortality'"
[Rodney, releasing the house rule into a butterfly aviary]
R: "As long as you're prepared, house-rules aren't much to be worried about."
[Monopoly hotel, bashing its way through the houses to attack Rodney]
R: "It's the ones that get big enough to be hotel-rules you've got to watch."
[Lawyers everywhere, trying to be D&D characters]
R: "Because they attract a certain type of player. Puts the Wreck in recreation, I tell you."
WoD Intro
[Rod in jauntspace, behind is the D&D logo and a 'You are now leaving D&D/ Thank you for not stat dumping' sign]
R: Let's leave D&D and turn to one of the other titans of gaming
[White Wolf logo]
R: White Wolf! Where angst is currency and black is the new everything.
[White Wolf logo w' superimposed 2.0, Rodney's hands hold up a Werewolf:the Heart of Gaia cover in the bottom corner]
R: It's also the old everything, as in 2005 WW hit the Cosmic Reset button!
R (speach bubble near game): Second time lucky, maybe? That's an in-joke, folks.
[1 page-wide short frame for the text, with a talking head of Rodney]
R: With White Wolf bring back Changeling, let's look at the differences between the old and new WOD.
[Big frame, with the books behind the text]
Vampires, everyone has humanity, not just you.
Werewolves, Gaia doesn't love you anymore. Neither does Ethan Skemp.
Mages, philosophies trump paradigms.
Ghosts, no player characters for you!
Changelings... no book yet, but you'll still be ostrasised.
[Promethian game book, in a tada!]
R: But we do have the new Promethian game!
[Part of the back cover, part of this panel burnt]
R: So, for everyone who wanted to play a Golem...
[*last panel burnt, yellow sticky note]
*This Panel Intentionally Burnt From Existance. Love, Wargolem.*
WoD Overview
[Note with threats stabbed onto something black]
R: "By request, we're going to delve a little deeper into WoD before moving on."
[Pans back. Rodney has fake fangs and a cape. And a note stabbed onto his chest.]
R: "Vampires, werewolves and mages, oh my. Ow."
[Main rulebook]
R: "The main book will give you humans and spooks, but if you want more you'll have to buy other books."
[comic-wide panel: Collection of World of Darkness denizens...]
R: "There's Vampire, Werewolf, Mages, Ghosts, the new Golems, the old Hunters, Changelings, Mummies, Kuej-in, Orpheus, not including fan made stuff..."
[...same panel, Tombstone at the end is where the voice is coming from]
R: "You can experience more ways of getting obliterated than at any frat keg party."
[Strolling the streets of WoD.]
R: "Unlike D&D, these systems don't fluctuate much, as the background has changed enough to discourage version crossovers."
[Stopped at a Second Hand store, Rod looks at an ashtray labelled "Made in Stygia"
R: "Still, some people have trouble letting go of what they know."
[Camera has pulled back, in the shop: 1 vampire with 'Will Diablerise for food' plaque, one werewolf dressed like Captain Planet, looking sheepish, and one HITMark cyborg battery charger.]
R: "But there are some very good reasons to change."
R: *quietly, offside* "Haight wants to play frisbee. Please?"
Vampire
[a Forehead. Something being written on it.]
R: "...There."
[Background: Vampire: The Requiem logo in the sky, gothic city. Rodney has 'Not Tasty' written on his forehead.]
R: "Vampire the Requiem, son of Vampire the Mascerade. Inheritor of the "Something: the Something else" title
[Sun dipping over the horizon, Rodney looks over.]
R: "This place is always sunset, sunrise or night. Sunglasses are only cool if you've got darkvision."
[Brujah pops up behind Rodney. Rodney looking worried.]
V: "What about us? We were the original cool vampires!"
R: "Ah, yeah. Hi Gangrel. Nice segue."
[Police Lineup w' stereotypes. Not in the order Rodney reads out.]
R: "Each fits a certain 'type'. Political Ventrue, artistic Toreador, mystic Tremere. The whole gamult."
[Various things happening as the stereotypes from before advance.]
R: "Do not get them mixed up. They don't like it."
[Rodney holding up a Ten-sided dice, which glows like a holy symbol. Vampires retreat.]
R: "An amazingly supersticious lot, you can use articles of amazing Faith to keep them at bay."
[A vampire is beside Rodney. Plucks ten sider from his hand.]
R: "Occasionally."
[Vampire holding face where fangs are falling out, Rodney has a neck-brace on]
R: "What it all boils down to is... don't get found by them. If you are, titanium neckbraces rule."
Werewolf
[Tape Deck, tape labeled "Werewolves of London.]
R: "...and....Play!"
[Background: Werewolf Logo]
R: "Werewolf: The Forsaken. A game of savage horror, where spirits, humans and other werewolves alike hate you."
[Background: Don't Tickle Me Emo."
R: "Someone was hitting the Emo juice for this one."
[Forest, Rodney]
R: Unlike its predecessor, where you had a goal of defending the planet
[City, Rodney]
R: Here the plot is survive.
[Zombie Werewolves]
R: Survival horror, in fur coats.
[Background, maths]
R: So far, Werewolf's had the most change of the new Wod. No more renown and xp, all advancement's from one pool
[More maths]
R: Gifts are completely shaken up, more like disciplines than the tribe-feeling originals.
[Vampire, writing the maths and 'W:tF draft 02' over them]
R: Huh. No surprises there. I guess they're lucky there's no "Scooby" gift-pool.
Mage
[Rodney, wearing a top hat, cape and holding a wand.]
R: "Admin needs a bigger costume budget."
[Background: Mage logo.]
R: "Mage: The Awakening! Gain powers to influence reality in any way you dream!"
[Surrounded by cheerleaders.]
R: "But I'm yet to see an expansion with Summon Dallas Cheerleaders. Come on, White Wolf! Remember your fanbase!"
[Rodney: juggling 9 balls]
R: "In this system, mages get Spheres of influence for reality. Spirit, Life, Matter, whatever."
[Rodney: dropping balls]
R: "They combine them to get their effects. Fireballs would be Correspondance + Prime. I think."
[WEIRD EFFECTS]
R: "Combining odd spheres can get froopy. Most people like this aspect of freedom."
[Rodney, top half: holding up two boots.]
R: "But beware! Too much magic can result in Paradox. You don't want to be caught up in that"
[Rodney, top half: pointing at screen.]
R: "This is basically reality itself objecting to mages mucking with it. It doesn't mind about getting bystanders"
[Rodney: Whole body, bottom half is a chicken.]
R: "So unless you like infinite random possibilities happening to you... stick with Copperfield."
Ghosts
[Rodney: wearing a sheet.]
R: "This isn't getting any better."
[Background: WoD Main rulebook]
R: "White Wolf were sneaky, including the rules for Ghosts in their main book"
[Rodney holding up two fingers.]
R: "Two character archetypes, one low price!"
[Vampire in a machine, Rodney in a lab coat and goggles.]
R: "Admin, in service to YOU, presents just how White Wolf created Ghosts. First, take one vampire."
[BZZATT, vampire eyes widened]
R: "Remove all the fleshy bits that make the game 'erotic' and 'fun'."
[Rodney, holding a bottle]
R: "And distill the Angst. Instant Ghost!"
[Dark 'n' spooky house]
R: "If you meet any ghosts in the system, most of them are spooky XP waiting to happen."
[Camera tilts]
R: "However, this doesn't mean they're _Easy_ xp"
[Rodney on the roof, spreadeagle]
R: "There, I validated your existence, can I have my gravity back, please?"
Changeling
[Rodney: pink wings, pink dress and a wand.]
R: "Now they're just taking the Mickey..."
[Background: Changeling Logo]
R: "Changeling the Dreaming. Where imagination is reality. Kinda."
[Rodney looks off screen.]
R: "It's things like this that make Players look like they're doing drugs. Seriously."
[Scene, kids playing in a park.]
R: "Remember playing make beleive when you were a kid. Or still are."
[Scene warps]
R: "Well, in this game, you're all part fairy so when you make beleive."
[Scene, it's now real castles 'n' stuff]
R: "You MAKE beleive."
** Third panel set to be completed **
In Nomine
[Rodney flying through jaunt space chased by a snarling white wolf.]
R: "Let's leave that game line for a while and focus on some others. Why, jauntspace is revealing a new system..."
[Background: In Nomine]
R: "In Nomine! Player characters are Angels or Demons, and they... err."
[Rodney, with book.]
R: "What the heck do they do?"
[Rod only as voiceovers. Angels and demons eyeing each other off.]
R: "Ah. Angels and demons fight over spiritual places and objects, and generally try and exert their influence over 'Words' they control. Like War, Fire, etc."
[Rod looks at screen]
R: "Supernatural Dictionaries. Cute system, rolling 666 or 111 can be a plus or minus depending what side your on."
[Rod, background is city street.]
R: "You know, research in France has told us that this system was originally a big joke/ parody on the whole Demon/ Angel thing..."
[Shadow over Rod, dark angels/ demons surrounding him. Rod doesn't look happy.]
R: "...That last part. Don't say it aloud."
Paranoia
[Rodney, flattened by anvil.]
[Rodney, machine gunned down.]
[Rodney, driven insane by C-THOO-LU]
[Rodney, eliminated for being a mutant]
[Rodney, eliminated for being a commie]
[Rodney, eliminated for being a traitor]
Postit Note Stuck On Last Panel: "Re: Paranioa
DON'T!!!!"
Zombie Survival Horror
[Rodney, postapocalyptic living room]
R:Shhh, get down
[Crouched behind a table, Bag at Rodney's leg]
R:We're looking at Zombie survival games today
[Openning bag
R:Here we're going to try Admin's "GJG Zombie Survival Pack"
[fullwidth, captioned items]
R:Bright red hazard suit. "Animated Dead" warning tape. "Hungry Zombie" warning stickers.[Has a target background] "Not-A-Zombie" stickers [has a faded target background]. Sandwiches.
[Rodney looking at the camera]
[Rodney looks at the pack set down on his other side, which we didn't see before. It's labeled "GFC Zombie Survival Pack" and it's shotgun shaped]
[Rodney looks back at the camera, reaching for shotgun]
R: ... Oh no. It looks like my GFC got Zombiefied.
*offcamera* No I didn't!
Attempt two
[Rodney, postapocalyptic outfit]
R: Welcome, to the Survival test!
[Rodney, checking a hand-gun.
R: New Greenshirts are often taken to zombie systems for training.
[Rodney, Grins]
R: Survival training, where things blow up real good.
[Page width panel, zombies poorly hidden under lamp shades etc.]
R: Here's the drop point. Can you find all the zombies?
[Rodney, knee deep in ammunition, zombie bodies around him
R: So, now you've dropped a veritable wave of unliving flesh.
[Rodney, close up]
R: You've surivived round one.
[Rodney, in jaintor overalls, and a big mop]
R: That's easy to survive. Cleaning up the mess you've made? That's the survival part.
