Misc.

Or

The crap's gotta collect somewhere.

By Colin 'Relapse' Morris

Executive Stunt Persons

Do you have to explain to the board of directors why your actions has caused the stock price of your company to plummet? Were you the one who lost that important document that was doing the rounds, now the departments all fighting for the colour printer for their resumes? Got to fire that cannibalistic neo-nazi gun-freak Satanist? Well, do we have the answer for you!

Our Executive Stunt Persons can take the fall, the lickings and the kickings and keep on ticking off the spreadsheet of steely faced success. Doomed to the work for the dole scheme, our team will do anything, face anything and kiss anything to get yourself out of your mess. Available in Managerial/ Financial/ Human Resources and Technical flavours, you will find what your after.

Don't want to face the music? We'll provide you with a match for your face, who'll take it all for you, plus provide shorthand notes for future reference at an infinitesimal cost! Call 1900-BINC-STNT Now!

Life Insurance

Life insurance is a funny thing. They ask all sorts of personal questions regarding how your health and sanity is like, family status, and whether you're actually the bi-product of an unholy ritual combining the worst aspects of street theatre and mime artists on red cordial. Or perhaps the last bit was just me. Anyway, through dealings with them I have discovered some flaws in their questionnaires. Sure, they ask all the easy questions treating life as if it was multiple choice, but they don't view the fringe element do they? I think its time they did.

Do you habitually insult... (tick all that apply)

  • Bikers?
  • Bouncers?
  • Police?
  • Catholics?

Do you use mobile phones while... (tick all that apply)

  • Driving?
  • In theatres?
  • Loudly?

Do you... (tick all that apply)

  • Inform hulking bruisers who push in queues what you really think of them?
  • Mean "roughing it" when you say it. (Even with kids? )

After a night out do you... (tick all that apply)

  • Wake up partner for a 5am jog/ see sunrise.
  • Steal covers in winter.
  • Kick covers onto partner in summer.
  • Not brush.
  • Let friends crash. (Same bed your partner.)

"Hair-nobyl"

You want shine?

You want body and bounce?

You want a hair care product with a half-life of 50 years?

New from Cupboard Incorporated, HAIRNOBYL. Do your hair once, and it STAYS DONE.

You've tried aloe vera, cocamidopropyl betaine, and a thousand different "secret formula" as sold on TV. Bought products presented to you by women with a small fleet of beauticians who pretend it was the "all new dihydral-monoxide" that made them look so good. You want proven results, not just endless computer "simulations" that cost almost as much as the product itself. So, why take that crap from them? Take it from us, Prof. Von Explaino, and the citizens from Chernobyl. You want staying power? We've got it. You want life? Heck, it's practically evolving. Body and bounce? Well, 50% ain't all that bad.

So, try HAIRNOBYL. Just look in your supermarket for the glowing aisle with the Geiger counters.