My fighter's a strength bonus on legs
and that's the way I like it
Bob's cleric's a walking, talking bandaid
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
Your fridge is full of pop and coolaid
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
No girls allowed in the basement
and that's the way I like it

So please,
DM please
Read all our sheets
Pass our PCs

I rolled an 18/00 strength score
and that's the way I like it
And his wisdom is a whole four
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
We heard about a quest in a tavern
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it
we went off to taunt an evil dragon
and that's the way I like it

So please,
DM please
dragon's breath sucks
save our PCs

So please,
DM please
Go on
Save our PCs
Save 'em

Na na na na na na na na na

The shifty young rouge made his saving throw
And that's the way I like it
The clumsy old dwarf made his saving throw
And that's the way I like it
And that's the way I like it
The top-heavy elf made her saving throw
And that's the way I like it
cos that's the way I like it
And I made my char's saving throw (whoo!)
And that's the way I like it

So please
DM please
The dragon's dead
Where's our XPs...
So please 
DM please
Come on
Where's our XPs...	
		

I Criticalled

This was performed by my Gaming Guardians character Relapse, during the semi-annual Greggies awards.

My sword's enchanted...

My sword's enchanted.
My sword's brand new
My sword is vorpal
Also plus two

I was ambushed in a dungeon
Goblins bullrushin' me
But that gives me an attack of
Opportunity

I criticalled. I criticalled.
Means no more head for you
They'd low HP, more XP for ME
When the horde was crushed to goo
I had become level two...

Something caught my eye
Past a turn, not high.
I'd made my spot check thanks to my, lucky die
And I don't think they'll try an ambush again
When I started swinging then they all met their end

I criticalled. I criticalled.
My damage is times two.
My new feat Cleave, meant no-one could leave
Unless they got past me
Hoody hoo I'm level three...

La la la
la la la la
la la la la level...

I criticalled. I criticalled.
Neck is sliced clean through
My poor DM's module is in shreds by his feet,
Bet he regrets OKing my character sheet.

Hang on, what's that up ahead?
A beholder? zap I'm dead...

Binary Love Song

While listening, please supply your own tasteful arrangement of slide guitar and country-western twang.

This is my Binary Love song.
A binary love song for two.
I'm breakin' a love byte
to eight little love bits
To ver-i-fy my love for you...

Ate nothin' for breakfast this morning
For-got to eat dinner as well
Too much of my thinkin', is of seein' you winkin'
Won-der if you're able to tell...

This is a binary love song
A binary love song for two.
I'm breakin' a love byte
to eight little love bits
To ver-i-fy my love for you...

Want-to-hate your hold on me, but I can't.
Sucks to form such thoughts that are un-due.
Thurt I took too long waitin', no more hesitat'n.
Once I cross the floor to span'tell you

This is span binary love song
span binary love song for two.
I'm breakin' span love byte
into eight little love bits
To ver-i-fy my love for you...

*guitar fade*

You know, there's only ten kinds o' people in this world.
Those who can count binary, and those who can't.
    

Booty-licious

Original "Bootylicious" - Destiny's Child.

Blackbeard,
Can you handle this?
Redbeard,
Can you handle this?
Nobeard,
Can you handle this?
I don't think ye can handle this
Nobody move, we've arrived.
A 20 foot skippers, by ye side
Baddest Pirates all inside,
Spotted me a large, fat galleon
Down ye arms, ya scurvy swabs
Wailing there, little squabs
Ye can't handle, our drunken mobs

You gotta do much better
With your guns
Ye can't win the fight
Ye gotta work your cannons
And your guns
Ye can't win the fight
Cos we like what we see
Gold, silver, jewels
And we'll take it to sea
By the looks we got you
Shook up and scared of me
Give up your cargo
Its time to walk planks..

I don't think you
Go meet your maker
I don't think you
Davy Jones' Locker
I don't think you
Ready for this
Cos that bounty too
Booty-licious for ya, mate.

I don't think you
Go walk the plank
I don't think you
For the cash, we thank
I don't think you
Ready for this
Cos that bounty too
Booty-licious for ya, mate.

Booty! Can ye spend all this?
Booty! Can ye hide all this?
Booty! Can ye thieve all this?
I think we'll just
Take all this.

I'm gunna arm-break you off
Saber going down 'ard
Lead ye men
Raise th' flags
Swing ye sword
Slice t' rags
Square ye jaw
Lookin' mean
Stealing ev'rythin
we've seen
Swing from ropes
Cannons miss
I don't think you
Can fight-off this.

I don't think you
Go walk the plank
I don't think you
For the cash, we thank
I don't think you
Ready for this
Cos that bounty too
Booty-licious for ya, mate.

I don't think you
Go walk the plank
I don't think you
For the cash, we thank
I don't think you
Ready for this
Cos that bounty too
Booty-licious for ya, mate.

Move your body
'long the plank
(arr!)
Pierce the hull
The ship's sank
(arr!)
Can't but help
to feel some joy
(arr!)
's more booty where this came from
Mate.

I takes me fill
At every chance
When we fight
And we take
What takes my fance- see?
I know that ye can't
Handle this
Now count our plunder
While I drunken rant

*Drunken Pirate Scatting*

I don't think you
Go walk the plank
I don't think you
For the gold, we thank
I don't think you
Ready for this
Cos that bounty too
Booty-licious for ya, mate.


ARRR HAAAARRRR!
    

Only the Sony

Original "Only the Lonely" - Roy Orbison.

Only the Sony (Play-Station and PS 2)
Sega's Dreamcast bit the dust (No fair, fair, fair, fair)
Only the Sony (Play-station and PS 2)
N64's out to rust (Mario goes to slow)

Here comes Microsoft, here comes Xbox
Gamecube's release date, changed by the boss
If I want to play a console game well, only the Sony
(Playstation and PS2, retail, retail)
(ohohohohoho only the Sony)

Only the Sony (Playstation and PS2)
Can buy for MGS2 (And Xbox too)
Only the Sony (Playstation and PS2)
Is out now for me and you (Cha-ching, Cha-ching)

Maybe tomorrow a new machine
Which to purchase, which one is keen?
Your choice right now, is limited how?
Only the Sony (Playstation, and PS 2)
    

The Song Song

Original "Thong" - Someone.

This thing right here
Is lettin' all the people know
Not everyone should sing
Or even be near microphones
uh ah ah ah
Check it Out

All the lyrics are way to continuous
And the back-beat is kinda monotonous
Still if you don't mind songs repetitious
It should rake a lot of money for us
Ugh

It gets stuck in your head like really crap muzak
The kinda thing only the brain-dead could hack
Once its stuck in your head you'll never lose the track
Next thing you will be playing Billy Ray Cyrus

The lyrics really suck, suck, suck
Plain outta luck, luck, luck
Cos guess what's coming up, up, up
We've gotta sing it again

Yup, the lyrics they still suck, suck, suck
Gawd I give up, up, up
All night long
Please don't play that song

I hate it when the beat is
Dumb dumb dumb
You really don't put me at ease
Dumb Dumb Dumb
DJ, man, I'm beggin' please
Dumb Dumb Dumb
That song song song song song

Once again we play the beat
Dumb dumb dumb
It brings up onto my feet
Dumb dumb dumb
Makes me run screaming onto the street
Dumb dumb dumb
That song song song song song

Now we return to the first verse
Its all playing again, we all scream and curse
It really explains why we're all looking terse
The reason why towards nightclubs I'm so adverse

It gets stuck in your head like really crap muzak
The kinda thing only the brain-dead could hack
Once its stuck in your head you'll never lose the track
Next thing you will be playing Billy Ray Cyrus

Glad I'm not driving a truck, truck, truck
Needles stuck, stuck, stuck
All in pursuit of a buck, buck, buck
Oh damn its stuck in my head!!

Yup, the lyrics they still suck, suck, suck
Gawd I give up, up, up
All night long
Please don't play that song

I hate it when the beat is
Dumb dumb dumb
You really don't put me at ease
Dumb Dumb Dumb
DJ, man, I'm beggin' please
Dumb Dumb Dumb
That song song song song song
I hate it when the beat is
Dumb dumb dumb
You really don't put me at ease
Dumb Dumb Dumb
DJ, man, I'm beggin' please
Dumb Dumb Dumb
That song song song song song
I hate it when the beat is
Dumb dumb dumb
You really don't put me at ease
Dumb Dumb Dumb
DJ, man, I'm beggin' please
Dumb Dumb Dumb
That song song song song song
I hate it when the beat is
Dumb dumb dumb
You really don't put me at ease
Dumb Dumb Dumb
DJ, man, I'm beggin' please
Dumb Dumb Dumb
That song song song song song

....And it just repeats like that for shockin' _EVER_.  I'm not going to.
    

Cell Phone Country

A modern country song.

Driv'n on deserted highways, best mate Rover in the back,
Hear a ring on me new cell phone, so get it from me sack.
Yell 'hello' as a loco smokes on down a rusty track
I know my gal's a'speaking, its phone signal that I lack.

<CHORUS>
Losin' my Cell Phone Reception once again.
She could'a said "I love you" or "I'd rather your bro Ben."
I'm in signal-free limbo till the signal reaches ten,
Losin' my Cell Phone Reception once again.

I swear and check the bat'try but its high up as it goes,
I leave the car, not to far, its almost as if it knows,
My heart hangs on the airwaves and its on its last death throes,
The signal flickers up a notch, I hear her voice then it goes..

<REPEAT CHORUS>

I reach an old gas station in the very nick 'o time,
Slam a 5 spot on the counter, I only wait for a dime,
I call my lover's number, alls I get's a busy chime,
The cell phone gets a SMS, and she's sent me a heart sign.

Losin' my Cell Phone Reception once again.
She sent my heart a picture, and bugger all to my bro Ben
When it comes to bein' lovin', ma girl's fifty outta ten.
I'm going back to land-lines once again.
    

Programmer Reliance

Original "Sound of Silence" - Simon and Garfunkle.

Hello coffee my old friend
An all-nighter has come again
With a deadline softly creeping
Giving up all hopes of sleeping
And the deadline
That was always set to soon
Begins to loom
Damn programmer reliance..

I stumbled through the lines of code
In my perpetual work-load
The bugs and errors deep in hiding
The hope of success quickly sliding
When my eyes were caught
By the flashing cursor's call
Near "DELETE ALL"
Its compiler reliance..

And in the neon light I saw
A trillion errors, maybe more
Tables modified without loading
Poor syntax peppers the coding
In a flash there would be no more database
No not a trace
With its data reliance..

"Aha," I cried, "I have you now
I see you there and now know how
Semi-colons now I will place you,
Parentheses I about face you"
But the power failed before I'd could re-hash
the system crashed, with Power reliance.

And the users scraped and prayed
But the bug was not un-made.
I was debugging when t'was storming
Power was lost with zero warning.
And the logs said: "The data for the audit
Is no longer in the store,
Retry, Ignore?
Damn Computer....Reliance...
    

Don't Hog My Memory

Original "Don't Stand So Close To Me" - Someone.

A collaborative parody made with the help of the highly esteemed Jon Barret.

New system, 486
It should run properly.
All software, provided,
That's what Bill said to me.
The install, took ages,
And half my hard drive space.
Its running, so slowly,
My 386 keeps pace.

Don't hog
Don't Hog my
Don't hog my memory.

The drivers, multiply
What do I need these for?
V-B-Run, 300,
And still it asks for more,
Temptation, Frustration,
So bad it makes me cry,
Disk access, Ballistic,
This poor drive's gonna fry..

Don't Hog,
Don't Hog my
Don't Hog My Memory.

GPF, already,
I just can't believe it.
They say its, so easy
Boy what a load of *bleep*
Lord help me, I'm thinking,
Might get a Mac-in-tosh
Or something, More useful
A Sun Sparc Unix Box

Don't Hog,
Don't Hog My,
Don't Hog My Memory.

Please Don't Hog My Memory..